Today is one of those days where a deep sense of negativity overwhelms me. I say negativity and not something more specific because I can't quite identify what this emotion is. Maybe it's that I started my period or maybe it's just the consequences of my life choices sinking in or the fact that nothing I do today seems to calm Lillian (my niece that I nanny for, and the reason I moved to AZ)... either way, I am finding it difficult to find peace in my heart.
I have come to realize that while I am here in Arizona, everyone else's life is continuing without me. Don't get me wrong, I have needed this time in AZ to get myself together, to calm my life, and to be at peace with myself. But it's not all roses all the time. Sometimes I am lonely. Sometimes I feel like I have no real opportunity to express myself. I have been unable, thus far, to create my own life here. I feel like I am apart of someone else's... which to some extent is true, I am basically an add-on to my sister's life. This is her house and her baby.
I love my life here (most days) but it is just hard to realize that I am physically removed from the life I made for myself in WA and those people are carrying on without me. And when it comes to the guys I care about in my life, I recognize that April is a long ways and that I will, without a doubt, be replaced. Every female, and probably just every person, has the notion that they are worth waiting for. I don't think it is delusional to hope that for yourself, but I am realizing only a handful of other people ever view us in that light. The men I care about will continue to date other girls (and yes, I am not an idiot, sleep with other girls), and at some point they will find someone they like enough who lives in the same general region as them and I will be forgotten.
I try to remind myself that the only men who matter at the end of the day are the first and last loves, but that brings very little solace in the moment. I know that this too shall pass... it was just a hard reality to be faced with.
This discontentedness isn't just about the men in my life. I need to create my own identity here. I need to build my own life. Otherwise I am going to suffocate in someone else's.
And in all honesty, I am petrified for my future. I have no direction and sometimes I feel like I am hiding in AZ because of it.
I have come to realize that while I am here in Arizona, everyone else's life is continuing without me. Don't get me wrong, I have needed this time in AZ to get myself together, to calm my life, and to be at peace with myself. But it's not all roses all the time. Sometimes I am lonely. Sometimes I feel like I have no real opportunity to express myself. I have been unable, thus far, to create my own life here. I feel like I am apart of someone else's... which to some extent is true, I am basically an add-on to my sister's life. This is her house and her baby.
I love my life here (most days) but it is just hard to realize that I am physically removed from the life I made for myself in WA and those people are carrying on without me. And when it comes to the guys I care about in my life, I recognize that April is a long ways and that I will, without a doubt, be replaced. Every female, and probably just every person, has the notion that they are worth waiting for. I don't think it is delusional to hope that for yourself, but I am realizing only a handful of other people ever view us in that light. The men I care about will continue to date other girls (and yes, I am not an idiot, sleep with other girls), and at some point they will find someone they like enough who lives in the same general region as them and I will be forgotten.
I try to remind myself that the only men who matter at the end of the day are the first and last loves, but that brings very little solace in the moment. I know that this too shall pass... it was just a hard reality to be faced with.
This discontentedness isn't just about the men in my life. I need to create my own identity here. I need to build my own life. Otherwise I am going to suffocate in someone else's.
And in all honesty, I am petrified for my future. I have no direction and sometimes I feel like I am hiding in AZ because of it.
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