A bad night.
A week ago I was sexually assaulted. It was one of those "not rape" moments I have blogged about. A moment a lot of people, through a very distorted lens, would likely just see it as a bad drunken experience. But that's not what it was. It was an assault. It was a violation. And it was criminal.
I've wanted to blog about it basically since it happened but I wasn't sure what I wanted to say.
Should I describe what happened? A man forced his hands down the back side of my pants, grabbed my ass, pulled at my underwear, tried to go up my shirt and touch my breasts, all while I was sitting in the corner of a booth at a bar. He wasn't entirely a stranger. He was a friend of the guy my friend is dating. We had all spent the last few hours hanging out, having a great time and then he did this.
Should I describe how I felt? Completely violated, utterly afraid, semi paralyzed. When I first met him at the beginning of the night, he didn't seem like a man with the highest of character but by no means were there flashing red "rapist type" lights going off. As the night progressed, I saw the little cues that give women a shudder up their spine. That sixth sense you are by a predator. But, like most women, I have been taught to ignore that. To assume that I am being irrational. Which, as it turns out, works out perfect for predators. When he first put his arm around my waist, I wasn't entirely comfortable, but I also tried to ignore it. When he was overly touchy, I tried to just casually shake him off so I didn't make a scene. Even as he was trying to forcibly grasp my body, my first thought was to get him the fuck off me, the second was to not ruin everyone else's night.
When strangers have tried to touch me I have instantly been able to become as vocal as possible and violent if necessary. But when someone I know, even an acquaintance, violates my space and my body, I seem to lose my voice. While I may have rallied my senses enough to defend myself physically, I responded quietly, and the combination was somehow not enough to make him realize his own behavior. He seemed to think it was some kind of playful game. He shoved his hand down my pants, I dug my nails into his hand. At no point, did it even remotely register to him that what he was doing was wrong or that it wasn't mutual. AND THAT IS TERRIFYING. After all was said and done, he still tried to walk me home. And I knew if he did, he would rape me, and he would never see it that way.
When I finally made it safely home, I completely broke down- tears running down my face, my hands shaking. I called my sister crying so hard I couldn't even catch my breath. I locked every door in my house, shut every blind, closed every curtain and did whatever I could to hide myself. I cannot remember the last time I felt so unsafe, so violated, so shaken.
This is not the first time a man has tried to assault or violate me. I've been more than open about my similar experience in college. But I had always hoped after what happened in college, that it would never happen again. or that if it did, that I would be stronger this time and I wouldn't take it quietly. I have heard countless stories throughout the years of my friends being violated, being sexually assaulted, being molested. We've all just come to recognize, this is part of being a woman in this culture at this time. It doesn't make it ok. But it is our reality. And it is completely fucked.
But that isn't what I wanted to talk about in this post. What I really wanted to talk about is why it bothers me so much. It bothers me that at no point did this man seem to realize his behavior was assault. At no point did he seem to register he was violating me. Even as I defended myself physically, literally digging my nails into his hand and trying to break his wrist more or less, he seemed to think it was playful. How is it possible that he has come adulthood finding this behavior acceptable?
The following day, his friend who is dating my friend, texted her to apologize for Evan... That's his name, Evan. The man who violated me is Evan. So he called to apologize for his friend and his creepy behavior and said that's just how Evan gets when he is drunk.
Now, lets just say that alcohol is to blame for Evan's sexualized violence... it isn't... but if it were 1.) why would Evan ever want to drink? Why would he be comfortable turning into a monster? and 2.) Why would Peter ever bring Evan around other women? Not to mention, fail to tell any of the women he did choose to bring around that Evan gets rapey. He willingly and knowingly jeopardized our safety. He is complicit in the action of his friend because he fails to do anything to stop him and actively puts women in jeopardy without any second thought thereby almost encouraging him. Why?
The thing is, I like Peter. Just like I liked the friends of the guy who assaulted me in college. I see them and I know they are good men. So then how can they contribute to this? How can they accept it? And the answer is that we have all been raised in a society that treats and views these violations as "creepy" rather than as sexualized violence. And because they (or at least most of them) have never experienced it first hand, have never been violated this way, have not had to constantly defend their bodies, do not understand. We raised them in an environment where no means no and everything else is gray area that is typically viewed as a a weird or bad experience rather than as assault.
A more common but equally less acceptable act is when men come up to women and start dancing on them (and I mean "on"). That is a complete and total violation of her body. You have absolutely no right to invade someone's space and touch their body without their permission. Go to any preschool and they will be teaching the children to keep their hands to themselves and to respect each other's bodies. Grown ups should do the same. If you want to dance, you can ask. You are not entitled to anything, let alone her body. Asking gives her the opportunity to decide her boundaries and her comfort and it shows that you are a human who respects those boundaries and that comfort. A woman should not have to defend her body.
No one should ever have to tell anyone else to stop touching them. If their body was respected in the first place there would be no need to defend it. But this is what happens when you raise people in a hypersexualized environment where we teach children that women's bodies are for consumption and that aggression is manly. What did we expect to happen besides men who violate women (without even realizing the impact of their choices and scope of their aggressions) and women who feel voiceless and become prey?
I am tired of having to speak up. I am tired of having to tell men not to touch my body. I am tired of having men invade my space. I am tired of feeling unsafe. I am tired of seeing these same things happen to all of female friends. I am exhausted by the casual violence women face everyday. But it is, in this world and this current cultural manifestation, our reality.
What I have come to realize though, is that there is great power in words. The first time an acquaintance assaulted me, I described the experience to others as creepy; as feeling uncomfortable; as a bad experience. I even felt the need to defend myself to my attacker and let him know I "wasn't that type of girl." And what I realize now is that because I shaped that night as just a bad experience, that is how everyone else saw it. It wasn't assault, it was just a guy being a little creepy when he was drunk. This time, I refused to indulge that utter bullshit.
I have phrased every conversation around what happened to me as assault, as a violation, as illegal. I have been amazed by how receptive people have been to that language. Even the men in my life have taken the conversation seriously and reflected on situations they have witnessed and started to identify the behavior as violent and as assault. As terrible as this situation was, it gives me some solace to know that it has helped reframe other people's mindset. I hope that going forward they will see these moments and they will speak to them; that they will respond to them so that predators are no longer allowed to flourish, no longer embraced. So that other men realize they aren't just creepy, they are violent aggressors. I believe, to my core, most men have absolutely no desire to be violators and rapists, but rather do not realize their behavior constitutes as that. When you bring awareness you bring change.
And I guess that is what I really wanted to talk about.
I've wanted to blog about it basically since it happened but I wasn't sure what I wanted to say.
Should I describe what happened? A man forced his hands down the back side of my pants, grabbed my ass, pulled at my underwear, tried to go up my shirt and touch my breasts, all while I was sitting in the corner of a booth at a bar. He wasn't entirely a stranger. He was a friend of the guy my friend is dating. We had all spent the last few hours hanging out, having a great time and then he did this.
Should I describe how I felt? Completely violated, utterly afraid, semi paralyzed. When I first met him at the beginning of the night, he didn't seem like a man with the highest of character but by no means were there flashing red "rapist type" lights going off. As the night progressed, I saw the little cues that give women a shudder up their spine. That sixth sense you are by a predator. But, like most women, I have been taught to ignore that. To assume that I am being irrational. Which, as it turns out, works out perfect for predators. When he first put his arm around my waist, I wasn't entirely comfortable, but I also tried to ignore it. When he was overly touchy, I tried to just casually shake him off so I didn't make a scene. Even as he was trying to forcibly grasp my body, my first thought was to get him the fuck off me, the second was to not ruin everyone else's night.
When strangers have tried to touch me I have instantly been able to become as vocal as possible and violent if necessary. But when someone I know, even an acquaintance, violates my space and my body, I seem to lose my voice. While I may have rallied my senses enough to defend myself physically, I responded quietly, and the combination was somehow not enough to make him realize his own behavior. He seemed to think it was some kind of playful game. He shoved his hand down my pants, I dug my nails into his hand. At no point, did it even remotely register to him that what he was doing was wrong or that it wasn't mutual. AND THAT IS TERRIFYING. After all was said and done, he still tried to walk me home. And I knew if he did, he would rape me, and he would never see it that way.
When I finally made it safely home, I completely broke down- tears running down my face, my hands shaking. I called my sister crying so hard I couldn't even catch my breath. I locked every door in my house, shut every blind, closed every curtain and did whatever I could to hide myself. I cannot remember the last time I felt so unsafe, so violated, so shaken.
This is not the first time a man has tried to assault or violate me. I've been more than open about my similar experience in college. But I had always hoped after what happened in college, that it would never happen again. or that if it did, that I would be stronger this time and I wouldn't take it quietly. I have heard countless stories throughout the years of my friends being violated, being sexually assaulted, being molested. We've all just come to recognize, this is part of being a woman in this culture at this time. It doesn't make it ok. But it is our reality. And it is completely fucked.
But that isn't what I wanted to talk about in this post. What I really wanted to talk about is why it bothers me so much. It bothers me that at no point did this man seem to realize his behavior was assault. At no point did he seem to register he was violating me. Even as I defended myself physically, literally digging my nails into his hand and trying to break his wrist more or less, he seemed to think it was playful. How is it possible that he has come adulthood finding this behavior acceptable?
The following day, his friend who is dating my friend, texted her to apologize for Evan... That's his name, Evan. The man who violated me is Evan. So he called to apologize for his friend and his creepy behavior and said that's just how Evan gets when he is drunk.
Now, lets just say that alcohol is to blame for Evan's sexualized violence... it isn't... but if it were 1.) why would Evan ever want to drink? Why would he be comfortable turning into a monster? and 2.) Why would Peter ever bring Evan around other women? Not to mention, fail to tell any of the women he did choose to bring around that Evan gets rapey. He willingly and knowingly jeopardized our safety. He is complicit in the action of his friend because he fails to do anything to stop him and actively puts women in jeopardy without any second thought thereby almost encouraging him. Why?
The thing is, I like Peter. Just like I liked the friends of the guy who assaulted me in college. I see them and I know they are good men. So then how can they contribute to this? How can they accept it? And the answer is that we have all been raised in a society that treats and views these violations as "creepy" rather than as sexualized violence. And because they (or at least most of them) have never experienced it first hand, have never been violated this way, have not had to constantly defend their bodies, do not understand. We raised them in an environment where no means no and everything else is gray area that is typically viewed as a a weird or bad experience rather than as assault.
A more common but equally less acceptable act is when men come up to women and start dancing on them (and I mean "on"). That is a complete and total violation of her body. You have absolutely no right to invade someone's space and touch their body without their permission. Go to any preschool and they will be teaching the children to keep their hands to themselves and to respect each other's bodies. Grown ups should do the same. If you want to dance, you can ask. You are not entitled to anything, let alone her body. Asking gives her the opportunity to decide her boundaries and her comfort and it shows that you are a human who respects those boundaries and that comfort. A woman should not have to defend her body.
No one should ever have to tell anyone else to stop touching them. If their body was respected in the first place there would be no need to defend it. But this is what happens when you raise people in a hypersexualized environment where we teach children that women's bodies are for consumption and that aggression is manly. What did we expect to happen besides men who violate women (without even realizing the impact of their choices and scope of their aggressions) and women who feel voiceless and become prey?
I am tired of having to speak up. I am tired of having to tell men not to touch my body. I am tired of having men invade my space. I am tired of feeling unsafe. I am tired of seeing these same things happen to all of female friends. I am exhausted by the casual violence women face everyday. But it is, in this world and this current cultural manifestation, our reality.
What I have come to realize though, is that there is great power in words. The first time an acquaintance assaulted me, I described the experience to others as creepy; as feeling uncomfortable; as a bad experience. I even felt the need to defend myself to my attacker and let him know I "wasn't that type of girl." And what I realize now is that because I shaped that night as just a bad experience, that is how everyone else saw it. It wasn't assault, it was just a guy being a little creepy when he was drunk. This time, I refused to indulge that utter bullshit.
I have phrased every conversation around what happened to me as assault, as a violation, as illegal. I have been amazed by how receptive people have been to that language. Even the men in my life have taken the conversation seriously and reflected on situations they have witnessed and started to identify the behavior as violent and as assault. As terrible as this situation was, it gives me some solace to know that it has helped reframe other people's mindset. I hope that going forward they will see these moments and they will speak to them; that they will respond to them so that predators are no longer allowed to flourish, no longer embraced. So that other men realize they aren't just creepy, they are violent aggressors. I believe, to my core, most men have absolutely no desire to be violators and rapists, but rather do not realize their behavior constitutes as that. When you bring awareness you bring change.
And I guess that is what I really wanted to talk about.
You are amazing! It took 40 years before i faced my rape, and certainly not with this level of vulnerability, clarity and eloquence.
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