You give me fever... no really you do.
Right now I feel incredibly overwhelmed by emotion. So I shall purge it on here.
Maybe it's the raging fever I've had since 12:30am or the lack of sleep because of said fever or the pain because of lack of sleep and fever.
Maybe it's the fact that I watched an episode of Private Practice today where a son snuggled with his mother in her hospital bed while she died, triggering my own landscape of emotions since April 28th was the 12th anniversary of my dad's death. I held his hand when it happened, I know that feeling when your parent takes their last breath in your presence.
Maybe it's that everyday I am reminded that these are my last real moments living with Lil and helping raise her. To spend them isolated in a room instead of being able to hug her and love her and kiss her is unbearable. To be away from my sister, who is now my best friend, when I know that I have to leave her as well is horrible.
Tonight it all just seems too miserable to cope with. And I know I will be fine. I know I will adjust. I know I will stop being sick. And I know that I will be able to go back to my daily existence where I am not thinking of my dad constantly... but right now the combination of these emotions and realities are breaking my heart.
I needed to confess this to someone but I didn't want to be selfish. The people most important to me in my life are all dealing with their own things as well and I don't want them to have to be strong for me to be weak. They deserve their feelings and their emotions just as much as me, so as much as I possibly can I will try to be strong when talking to them. So thank you blog world, for allowing me to feel what I am feeling and unleash, if only even a little, this burden that has been building up and weighing on my heart all day.
Maybe it's the raging fever I've had since 12:30am or the lack of sleep because of said fever or the pain because of lack of sleep and fever.
Maybe it's the fact that I watched an episode of Private Practice today where a son snuggled with his mother in her hospital bed while she died, triggering my own landscape of emotions since April 28th was the 12th anniversary of my dad's death. I held his hand when it happened, I know that feeling when your parent takes their last breath in your presence.
Maybe it's that everyday I am reminded that these are my last real moments living with Lil and helping raise her. To spend them isolated in a room instead of being able to hug her and love her and kiss her is unbearable. To be away from my sister, who is now my best friend, when I know that I have to leave her as well is horrible.
Tonight it all just seems too miserable to cope with. And I know I will be fine. I know I will adjust. I know I will stop being sick. And I know that I will be able to go back to my daily existence where I am not thinking of my dad constantly... but right now the combination of these emotions and realities are breaking my heart.
I needed to confess this to someone but I didn't want to be selfish. The people most important to me in my life are all dealing with their own things as well and I don't want them to have to be strong for me to be weak. They deserve their feelings and their emotions just as much as me, so as much as I possibly can I will try to be strong when talking to them. So thank you blog world, for allowing me to feel what I am feeling and unleash, if only even a little, this burden that has been building up and weighing on my heart all day.
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