Not rape
Not rape?
I read this amazing speech and found myself speechless. For years I have heard stories and have had my own personal experiences that touched on this feeling of weakness but was never able to fully advocate for myself.
My experience with this, which I have shared with some is the following:
I was celebrating my friends birthday at a bowling alley in Kenmore. Everyone drank a substantial amount, except for me who kept it low-key. There was a large snowstorm in the previous days so my ride, who had been drinking quite a bit, didn't feel comfortable driving. A bunch of us stayed the night at a guys house who I had hung out with multiple times and had also kissed that night. Seven of us stayed at his house, all of us in his room. Four in his bed and three on the floor. Didn't seem like a big deal. I had a bad feeling about it so I spent the night trying to get friends to come pick me up but with the snow no one was able to. I shook off that gut instinct and just laid low.
That night the guy (who owned the house) tried to snuggle me, I still ignored my gut instinct and just laid there as the path of least resistance. Then as the night continued he kept trying to kiss me, then tried to rip off my shirt, and my pants. I slapped him repeatedly until he finally let it be and went to the bathroom. My best friend (at the time) who was in the bed with me, asked me not to have sex with him by her. I looked at her mortified, explained he was trying to attack me, and asked her not to leave me. She promised me not to. Sure enough she left the room a couple hours later to have sex with her boyfriend. The guy tried to come at me again. I slapped him some more and he finally left me alone and I finally left the room.
The next day the guy told me I was a good kisser and I told him that I wasn't sure how he thought I was but I was NOT like that. He said he didn't remember anything and that was that. I told my guy friends, our mutual friends, what happened and their response was "that's how he gets when he was drunk."
Looking back I realize I should have left the room. I realize I should have called my parents. Hindsight is 20/20. How great. But in that moment I was panicked, and I felt completely out of control. As strong of a woman as I am, I had no idea what to do and was terrified. Then to have my friends justify his behavior by alcohol disgusted me. Who was there to protect me? Society never taught me how to protect myself in situations where someone I knew well was attacking me. It didn't protect me from other people judgments of me. And it didn't protect me from someone's intoxication level. I know that when society hears my story their first thought is not "what the fuck is his problem?" but it's "why the hell did she put herself in that situation?". Somehow, it is all my fault. I should have been safe around my friends and in a room filled with people I knew. I should have been safe. But he chose that. And so I wasn't.
No, I was not raped. Thank god. But that experience changed things for me. It made me a little more terrified of being around men I knew, and a lot more terrified of men I didn't.
Not rape made me angry. Not rape ended my friendship with everyone involved in that situation. Not rape made me be confused and disgusted by myself for a situation that was not my fault.
And I am scared for how many women's "not rape" situations were a lot worse.
I read this amazing speech and found myself speechless. For years I have heard stories and have had my own personal experiences that touched on this feeling of weakness but was never able to fully advocate for myself.
My experience with this, which I have shared with some is the following:
I was celebrating my friends birthday at a bowling alley in Kenmore. Everyone drank a substantial amount, except for me who kept it low-key. There was a large snowstorm in the previous days so my ride, who had been drinking quite a bit, didn't feel comfortable driving. A bunch of us stayed the night at a guys house who I had hung out with multiple times and had also kissed that night. Seven of us stayed at his house, all of us in his room. Four in his bed and three on the floor. Didn't seem like a big deal. I had a bad feeling about it so I spent the night trying to get friends to come pick me up but with the snow no one was able to. I shook off that gut instinct and just laid low.
That night the guy (who owned the house) tried to snuggle me, I still ignored my gut instinct and just laid there as the path of least resistance. Then as the night continued he kept trying to kiss me, then tried to rip off my shirt, and my pants. I slapped him repeatedly until he finally let it be and went to the bathroom. My best friend (at the time) who was in the bed with me, asked me not to have sex with him by her. I looked at her mortified, explained he was trying to attack me, and asked her not to leave me. She promised me not to. Sure enough she left the room a couple hours later to have sex with her boyfriend. The guy tried to come at me again. I slapped him some more and he finally left me alone and I finally left the room.
The next day the guy told me I was a good kisser and I told him that I wasn't sure how he thought I was but I was NOT like that. He said he didn't remember anything and that was that. I told my guy friends, our mutual friends, what happened and their response was "that's how he gets when he was drunk."
Looking back I realize I should have left the room. I realize I should have called my parents. Hindsight is 20/20. How great. But in that moment I was panicked, and I felt completely out of control. As strong of a woman as I am, I had no idea what to do and was terrified. Then to have my friends justify his behavior by alcohol disgusted me. Who was there to protect me? Society never taught me how to protect myself in situations where someone I knew well was attacking me. It didn't protect me from other people judgments of me. And it didn't protect me from someone's intoxication level. I know that when society hears my story their first thought is not "what the fuck is his problem?" but it's "why the hell did she put herself in that situation?". Somehow, it is all my fault. I should have been safe around my friends and in a room filled with people I knew. I should have been safe. But he chose that. And so I wasn't.
No, I was not raped. Thank god. But that experience changed things for me. It made me a little more terrified of being around men I knew, and a lot more terrified of men I didn't.
Not rape made me angry. Not rape ended my friendship with everyone involved in that situation. Not rape made me be confused and disgusted by myself for a situation that was not my fault.
And I am scared for how many women's "not rape" situations were a lot worse.
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