Allegiant.
"I used to think that when people fell in love, they just landed where they landed, and they had no choice in the matter afterward. And maybe that's true of beginnings, but it's not true of this now.
I fell in love with him. But I don't just stay with him by default as if there's no one else available to me. I stay with him because I choose to, every day that I wake up, every day that we fight or lie to each other or disappoint each other. I choose him over and over again, and he chooses me."
I read these words and in them I saw Ramon and myself. I've struggled with our type of love throughout our entire relationship. We've always seemed so similar and yet so different, and it has always felt like I was actively choosing to be with him, not that it was "meant to be."
With my first real love, the only comparison I have to Ramon, I was completely lost. I had no identity outside of my relationship, I was only a fraction of a couple, and an even smaller fraction of myself. I never had to choose to love him, I just did. And then a time came when I wanted myself back, I wanted to be whole again. At some point I had accepted the only thing I could want was to be apart of something; apart of him, apart of a family we would make, with no other aspirations. But what would I be beyond that? Nothing, I had given it away.
With Ramon, I choose every day to be with him. It's not always easy for us, we work at our relationship, but we do it knowing who each other is to our core. Loving that person that we see completely, maybe because we see both the good and the bad and are not dependent or defined by each other. I wake up every morning and I look at him and I am filled with an immense amount of love. Not because I am lost in his eyes, but because I see my strength in them. I see myself becoming better, stronger, more certain of myself. And I see a man who loves that.
Our relationship will never be easy, because that isn't real life. Neither of us has lived an easy life-- neither of us is untainted by hurt and pain and reality. We are humans, constantly growing and trying to improve. What I know is that every morning I wake up and I choose him, and every morning he wakes up and chooses me. To me, that is truly beautiful.
I fell in love with him. But I don't just stay with him by default as if there's no one else available to me. I stay with him because I choose to, every day that I wake up, every day that we fight or lie to each other or disappoint each other. I choose him over and over again, and he chooses me."
I read these words and in them I saw Ramon and myself. I've struggled with our type of love throughout our entire relationship. We've always seemed so similar and yet so different, and it has always felt like I was actively choosing to be with him, not that it was "meant to be."
With my first real love, the only comparison I have to Ramon, I was completely lost. I had no identity outside of my relationship, I was only a fraction of a couple, and an even smaller fraction of myself. I never had to choose to love him, I just did. And then a time came when I wanted myself back, I wanted to be whole again. At some point I had accepted the only thing I could want was to be apart of something; apart of him, apart of a family we would make, with no other aspirations. But what would I be beyond that? Nothing, I had given it away.
With Ramon, I choose every day to be with him. It's not always easy for us, we work at our relationship, but we do it knowing who each other is to our core. Loving that person that we see completely, maybe because we see both the good and the bad and are not dependent or defined by each other. I wake up every morning and I look at him and I am filled with an immense amount of love. Not because I am lost in his eyes, but because I see my strength in them. I see myself becoming better, stronger, more certain of myself. And I see a man who loves that.
Our relationship will never be easy, because that isn't real life. Neither of us has lived an easy life-- neither of us is untainted by hurt and pain and reality. We are humans, constantly growing and trying to improve. What I know is that every morning I wake up and I choose him, and every morning he wakes up and chooses me. To me, that is truly beautiful.
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