Edited.
"And here's another thing... sometimes I feel so pretty but other times I just want to break the mirror. I feel so ugly sometimes and I must admit that I am jealous of Becca's beauty. She just looks so pretty, like someone in a magazine. Not to say that I am the ugly duckling. I'm just not comfortable with my body yet.
I know my family cares about me and loves me but I don't know if I love myself."
This was a journal entry of mine that I found from 2003. The entry began with me discussing my deteriorating relationship with my sister and how I realized that I was generally edgy when around my sister because I felt insignificant and ignored. I didn't know how to repair my relationship with her because I felt that she wasn't invested or even really interested in our relationship. I think it would be interesting to see her view of the same situation, my guess was greatly affected by my anger throughout that time period and off put by it.
It was an interesting diary entry for me to find, especially considering the current issues my sister and I are facing in our relationship. As we work to create a grown relationship as sisters and also as friends, we struggle to keep our history out of the mix and give each other a clean slate. It's easy to say you believe each other has changed but it is difficult to let go of a long past. We are navigating the journey as best as possible and I appreciate the progress that is being made.
But more than anything, it made me sad to realize what a secretly lonely and unhappy girl I was. I wish that sad little girl would have known who I would become. I wish she would have known how I have grown to love myself and my body.
And I wish I would have learned from those feelings so that as an adult I didn't allow myself to get caught up in the same insecurities I had when I was 14. I wish I could tame the competitive nature that makes me be so critical of myself and feel in constant competition with my sisters. We are all incredibly distinct women with our own gifts, our own struggles, and our own type of beauty. I do not need to feel inferior, I am not inferior. I am a unique person on a unique journey and my sisters are there to love and encourage me.
We are not the same people we were when I was 14. And while it is a constant journey it is important to keep the growth in perspective.
I know my family cares about me and loves me but I don't know if I love myself."
This was a journal entry of mine that I found from 2003. The entry began with me discussing my deteriorating relationship with my sister and how I realized that I was generally edgy when around my sister because I felt insignificant and ignored. I didn't know how to repair my relationship with her because I felt that she wasn't invested or even really interested in our relationship. I think it would be interesting to see her view of the same situation, my guess was greatly affected by my anger throughout that time period and off put by it.
It was an interesting diary entry for me to find, especially considering the current issues my sister and I are facing in our relationship. As we work to create a grown relationship as sisters and also as friends, we struggle to keep our history out of the mix and give each other a clean slate. It's easy to say you believe each other has changed but it is difficult to let go of a long past. We are navigating the journey as best as possible and I appreciate the progress that is being made.
But more than anything, it made me sad to realize what a secretly lonely and unhappy girl I was. I wish that sad little girl would have known who I would become. I wish she would have known how I have grown to love myself and my body.
And I wish I would have learned from those feelings so that as an adult I didn't allow myself to get caught up in the same insecurities I had when I was 14. I wish I could tame the competitive nature that makes me be so critical of myself and feel in constant competition with my sisters. We are all incredibly distinct women with our own gifts, our own struggles, and our own type of beauty. I do not need to feel inferior, I am not inferior. I am a unique person on a unique journey and my sisters are there to love and encourage me.
We are not the same people we were when I was 14. And while it is a constant journey it is important to keep the growth in perspective.
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