#MeToo

Seeing all the #MeToo's and thinking about everything my friends and family have experienced has continued to weigh on my heart. That men and to be quite frank, many womxn, need us to exploit our experiences in order for them to validate our reality and their culpability/responsibility is heartbreaking. But if that is what it takes, then here it is:

• I remember when my seventh grade teacher would constantly touch or rub my shoulder and just generally make me uncomfortable, to the point that I found ways to avoid being alone with him. That teacher eventually was convicted of statutory rape of a student.
• I remember when my soccer coach in middle school would make sex jokes to us players. 
• I remember when one of my "friends" came up and slapped my ass in front of an entire lunchroom my senior year of high school. 
• I remember when my doctor refused to put me on birth control for health reasons because it might encourage me to have sex.
• I remember when a guy I dated in high school told me that even though I wouldn't have sex with him, he was going to tell people I had if they asked. 
• I remember when I was working at Izzy's and a customer came up behind me and whispered in my ear that he saw he had put a smile on a face and why not put a kiss on my cheek. I remember that he was waiting for me in the parking lot when I got off work that day and I had to be escorted out.
• I remember when at that same job the chefs would constantly creep and harass us females to the point where I pretended one of the waiters was my boyfriend so they would leave me alone. 
• I remember when a "friend" started cuddling me but I ignored it because I didn't want to make a fuss, then rolled me on top of him and I ignored it because I didn't want to make things weird, then tried to rip off my clothes and I slapped him until he left me alone. I remember telling my guy friends what had happened and them responding that he just gets that way when he's drunk.
• I remember family members making creepy comments about my body and saying how if they weren't my family, they would date me.
• I remember when one of my managers in college tried to kiss me against my will in the back stock room.
• I remember when one of coworkers picked me up by my ass and pinned me against a wall and said if he really wanted me he thought he could have me. 
• I remember when some guys shouted vile things at my friend and me while we were running and when I flipped them off they proceeded to stalk us for blocks until we finally hid in a grocery store.
• I remember when a guy followed my friend and me for four blocks talking about our bodies and didn't leave us be until we finally found our guy friend. Because apparently our humanity only mattered in the context of our relationship to another man.
• I remember when a friend of the family was making disgusting comments about me and when I tried to speak up for myself, he told me I didn't get to speak.
• I remember when I had been hanging out with all of my friends at a bar. I remember how I was sitting in the corner with one of their friends and suddenly he was shoving his hand down the back of my pants and then trying to go up my shirt while I was trapped in the corner traumatized and frozen. I remember going home, locking my windows and door and crying myself to sleep. I remember again being told that he just gets like that when he drinks.
• I remember when I went to a concert with one of my guy friends and every single person that passed me touched my body. When he asked me what the hell was up with that I told him to switch spots with me. Not a single person touched him to get past our spot. When we switched places again, people instantly when back to touching me to move past us. He was in total shock.

And these are just some of the more egregious experiences. I didn't list every time I've been called a cunt or a bitch for asking people to leave my table or not touch my friends without their permission. It doesn't list the times I've had to take random womxn home with me because I realized they were roofied and couldn't leave them to be preyed upon at the bars. And honestly, I'm one of the lucky ones for this being the extent I've experienced it. I have friends and family who were raped and/or molested.

I am not a perfect person. As I look back on my life I can think of multiple instances where I violated people's personal space and I take full responsibility for that. But what I and every other womxn has experienced their entire life is the consistent violation of our personal space and of our bodies. We are often treated as if we are disposable or for the consumption of others. When we speak out, we are overreacting. When we are silent, we are asked why we didn't say anything. 

People act as if womxn can't make the distinction between drunk sex or just an unpleasant sexual experience versus sexual assault. Bad drunk sex never made me feel like I needed to take a shower to wipe off the experience, it never made me fixate on locking all my doors, it didn't paralyze me. I, and every other womxn, know the difference between a drunken or bad sexual experience, and sexual assault.  Sexual assault is not about sex, it is about power. Sexual harassment is not about complimenting someone, it is about power. If it were about making us feel good, people wouldn't have such vile responses when we set boundaries about what we are and are not comfortable with. Stop protecting perpetrators. Stop making us accountable for their actions.

We deserve to be respected and safe not because we are someone's daughter or mother or sister or whatever, but because we are fucking human beings. This isn't a womxn's issue. This is a public health issue and it's about time we start tackling the real issue of rape culture as well as toxic masculinity.