51 things that a 25-year-old single girl really wants for christmas.

In the title of this article that my friend posted to my wall, my first instinct was "well, this is going to be a bunch of stereotypical bullshit." 

Technically yes, in some ways, but also insanely accurate for my life at this time. So here are the things my 25+1 self would like for christmas (with my commentary in red):

1. Our 12-year-old metabolism. [I miss the days of eating all the bread, cheese, and taco bell my heart ever desired.]

2. A Tinder for men who want relationships.

3. Kim Kardashian’s ass. [I'll take Beyonce's thank you very much]

4. A real money tree, not the bullsh*t fake one people keep on their desks.

5. Our parents’ approval.

6. Unlimited hours to watch every Netflix documentary we want.

7. Three more years in our 20s. [Late 20s. I'd give back my early 20s easily]

8. Alcohol that doesn’t make us text our ex-boyfriends. [Real talk.]

9. Completely undeserved holiday bonuses. [I am a boss, so they are always deserved, but I'd take a little extra on top]

10. A tan that doesn’t come with cancer.

11. Validation from that bitch in high school. [Don't need it, because they ain't worth it.]

12. Over 200 “likes” on an Instagram picture.

13. Sloppy texts from an ex.

14. An end to all catcalling. [That'll be the day.]

15. Periods without cramps. Forever. [I will give someone my first born child if they figure this out]

16. A boy with tattoos whom my parents will love. [And a ginger beard. And rocking abs.]

17. Coconut water that doesn’t make you gag.

18. A cute dog that doesn’t need to be walked.

19. The ability to lose weight from eating cake. [Fuck cake, I want that Creme Brulee]

20. An engagement ring minus the commitment.

21. No more email subscriptions.

22. Someone’s HBO Go password. [Real talk. I have shows to watch]

23. The perfect haircut. [After 26 years of crazy hair-dos, it's the least this world could give me]

24. A massage without any expectation of reciprocation.

24. The ability to switch between having and not having bangs whenever you want.

25. To sing like Billie Holiday.

26. McDonald’s with no guilt. 

27. Someone to call my grandmother for me.

28. Permanent removal of all unwanted hair. [PREACH]

29. Liposuction without the shame, recovery time… and cost.

30. A Twitter following like Amanda Bynes without the crazy.

31. The closet of Carrie Bradshaw.

32. An office bed.

33. A man who loves going down. [Actually not that hard to come by, surprisingly]

34. Unlimited days for travel.

35. Bottomless brunch every day.

36. The ability to listen to Justin Bieber without shame. [I hate that minion, but his beats are just so damn catchy]

37. A good prenup. [Because I get to marry Russell Wilson?]

38. One week where calories just don’t count. [not too worried about that]

39. Cheese that doesn’t go to our ass (unless it’s making it like Kim’s). 

40. All the avocados in the world. [I want all the guac. All the time.]

41. A bottle of Cabernet that magically refills itself. [Specifically Leese and Fitch, please]

42. Mom’s home cooking without having to go home for it. [Because Everett is the worst]

43. Salad that tastes like pizza. [disagree. I love salad and I love pizza. No reason to combine]

44. Beyonce’s thighs. [I've wished for this since I was 14]

45. Heels that feel like clouds.

46. No bathroom lines… ever.

47. Shampoo and conditioner that keep your hair clean and luxurious-looking for weeks.

48. Permanent eyeliner.

49. Our best friend’s wardrobe. [All of them combined]

50. A rent-free apartment in Manhattan.

51. A Ryan-Gosling-Joe-Manganiello-Billy-Crudup-Taylor-Kitsch breed of man to knock on my door and ravage my body then change my lightbulbs and make me pizza. [More like Idris Elba, Ryan Gosling, Russell Wilson, Cillian Murphy and Theo James]