I have a thought on something *GASP*

The other day my coworker was venting to me about her friend's fiancé "overreacting". When I got into the nitty gritty with her, the long and short of it was that she wanted to get her friend (the groom) a stripper(s) and was joking with him about it. The bride was hurt that he was considering it and that when discussing it with her, approached it cavalierly. My coworker was annoyed largely because she felt like her friend was having to change for his partner. 

Now, put aside the fact that I am grossed the fuck out by strip clubs and would not condone my partner partaking in such things*... the conversation bothered me and I couldn't quite put my finger on why. I chose to refrain from providing much advice or fodder in the moment but the issue continued to nag at my mind even once I made it home for the day. And this is what I came to.

My closest friends, my best friends, rather, (a tier, not a single individual) are mostly people I met anywhere from 9-16 years ago. They are people who have grown with me, who have challenged me, who have embraced each stage of life and iteration of me as a person. Not without tension or without struggle, but always with respect and love for me. With a willingness to meet me where I am at in any given moment rather than where I have been. In this last year, I exhibited some behavior that challenged my friend’s perception of me and made them grapple with how to engage in our relationship. I also had to reassess how to engage in our relationships because I was surprised by some of their reactions and didn't know how to balance their needs and desires with my own. But our relationships continued respectfully because they chose to come from a place of love and support while also being candid with me about their opinions and because I want friends who love me so much, they have the courage to hold me accountable while still standing by my side. I am indebted to the amazing women in my life who love me so deeply, so fiercely, so courageously in every expression of my existence.

There are a lot of other people that I have met throughout the last few decades that did not last in my life. In retrospect, I understand that they were situational friends. They were drawn to who I was in a specific moment or space in time and did not grow alongside me (and vice versa). When I run into these people the interactions feel so strained, so inauthentic, so forced. They talk about individuals who no longer matter to me, make assumptions about what I must be up to these days, and feel the need to relive the past. When I engage with them, I feel like they are speaking about another person altogether. I feel like my life gets better and more fulfilling with each year so I have no interest in going backwards, even for a five-minute run in at the farmer's market. 

So I guess this is why my conversation with my coworker bothered me so much. Because it is antithetical to everything I want from my friends and his response was antithetical to everything I now expect from a partner. I have dated men who were trying to grow and better themselves, but who were weak and got sucked into pressure from their friends who either were not willing to grow themselves, were not comfortable with their friendships evolving and how it might impact them, or just  were not ready for change, in general. I never want to date someone that weak or someone with friends that selfish ever again. 

Yes, your loyalty and allegiance lies with your friend, but isn't it your responsibility as someone who loves them to encourage them to be who they said they would be? Whether you like it or not, your friend chose that human. They are actively participating in that relationship. They helped the negotiate the terms within it. Help them nourish it. Help them be their best self within that relationship. Help them treat their partner with love and respect. Help them be accountable for their behavior and who they said they'd be (even if maybe it's not who you want them to be) Just want more for them. Want better for them. Even if it means challenging what you want for you or from them in their relationship with you. 

I don't know my coworker that well. I definitely don't know her friend's relationship with their fiancé at all. But the conversation itself triggered some interesting realizations for me about my life, my relationships, and what love, from any important person in my life, looks like to me.

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*Disclaimer: I have no qualms with strippers. I do, however, have some serious questions about the environment of strip clubs and the men who frequent them. The day even one man can give me an answer that is respectful of women, is the day I will be less grossed out.