In the past few years I have cut a lot of people out of my life because I realized the relationships were unhealthy and damaging to me (and more specifically my mental and emotional stability). Most of these relationships were fairly easy to separate from. I chose myself over my relationship and moved on.
Oddly enough, however, I realized while talking to my friend Brianne tonight that the relationships I had the most trouble distancing myself from were with people I had actually dated. Friends I could cut out in a heart beat if I felt they were destructive to my happiness, but there was something about the men I had dated (and by dated I mean I actually allowed myself to care for them and then they greatly disappointed me) that I could not let go of. I didn't even want these men in my life so much as I wanted them to want me in theirs. I knew I was happier away from them, I knew I wanted to be treated with more respect than how they treated me, and I honestly knew that I didn't ACTUALLY want to date them. But the feeling of being unwanted and rejected became stronger than my feeling of self-worth or self-respect.
Feeling unwanted can be so overwhelming; so much so that you are driven to allow or to pursue a friendship with these people that hurt you. You weren't friends before and you surely have no reason to be friends after they hurt you, yet you pursue it. You allow it. And when they treat you well, it makes you feel amazing. But just as high as you get from their good, you can get even lower from their bad. There is always the reality, whether you choose to acknowledge it or not, that their positive behavior is only temporary. Let me repeat (and rephrase) that: THEIR GOOD BEHAVIOR TOWARDS YOU IS ONLY TEMPORARY. But you've given them so much control over your own emotions; you have relinquished too much power. The worst part is, your behavior may begin to seem irrational because not only has the original issue not been dealt with as well as the the subsequent behavioral responses, but then you also have a sense of guilt. This guilt stems from caving and allowing the person to make you feel like you were overreacting or being unfair, when you in fact were not. Part of you still recognizes that you are caving to maintain the status quo or to preserve the relationship and so you feel guilt.
We justify people's behavior by saying "he's a good guy who did a bad thing." In some cases that is the truth but in other cases the reality is actually "he may be a good guy to some people but he isn't a good guy to me." I have dated guys who were GREAT at the beginning, fantastic even, but then at the end they treated me with disrespect. And then their behavior after the relationship, while not horrible, was still not respectful. Their past good behavior doesn't get to wash away their current negative behavior. The fact that they continue to act the way they do only reiterates that they aren't the person of integrity that they initially demonstrated. Maybe that is directed specifically towards you, but if that's the case, why would you want to allow yourself to be their target? Their good behavior is temporary. They are not good to you. Accept this. Stop making excuses or rationalizing their behavior or being overly forgiving.
It's a such a powerful realization to have, yet such a difficult dynamic to change. So I will give anyone who reads this blog the same advice I gave my friend (and remind myself of): take it day by day. If you slip and give someone your trust again and they abuse it, don't waste your time feeling guilty. It's counterproductive. Learn from it, work on yourself, and constantly remind yourself that you are person worthy of respect as well as loving, fulfilling and meaningful relationships (friendship or otherwise). Don't allow drama into your life through negative relationships, take control of your happiness.
Oddly enough, however, I realized while talking to my friend Brianne tonight that the relationships I had the most trouble distancing myself from were with people I had actually dated. Friends I could cut out in a heart beat if I felt they were destructive to my happiness, but there was something about the men I had dated (and by dated I mean I actually allowed myself to care for them and then they greatly disappointed me) that I could not let go of. I didn't even want these men in my life so much as I wanted them to want me in theirs. I knew I was happier away from them, I knew I wanted to be treated with more respect than how they treated me, and I honestly knew that I didn't ACTUALLY want to date them. But the feeling of being unwanted and rejected became stronger than my feeling of self-worth or self-respect.
Feeling unwanted can be so overwhelming; so much so that you are driven to allow or to pursue a friendship with these people that hurt you. You weren't friends before and you surely have no reason to be friends after they hurt you, yet you pursue it. You allow it. And when they treat you well, it makes you feel amazing. But just as high as you get from their good, you can get even lower from their bad. There is always the reality, whether you choose to acknowledge it or not, that their positive behavior is only temporary. Let me repeat (and rephrase) that: THEIR GOOD BEHAVIOR TOWARDS YOU IS ONLY TEMPORARY. But you've given them so much control over your own emotions; you have relinquished too much power. The worst part is, your behavior may begin to seem irrational because not only has the original issue not been dealt with as well as the the subsequent behavioral responses, but then you also have a sense of guilt. This guilt stems from caving and allowing the person to make you feel like you were overreacting or being unfair, when you in fact were not. Part of you still recognizes that you are caving to maintain the status quo or to preserve the relationship and so you feel guilt.
We justify people's behavior by saying "he's a good guy who did a bad thing." In some cases that is the truth but in other cases the reality is actually "he may be a good guy to some people but he isn't a good guy to me." I have dated guys who were GREAT at the beginning, fantastic even, but then at the end they treated me with disrespect. And then their behavior after the relationship, while not horrible, was still not respectful. Their past good behavior doesn't get to wash away their current negative behavior. The fact that they continue to act the way they do only reiterates that they aren't the person of integrity that they initially demonstrated. Maybe that is directed specifically towards you, but if that's the case, why would you want to allow yourself to be their target? Their good behavior is temporary. They are not good to you. Accept this. Stop making excuses or rationalizing their behavior or being overly forgiving.
It's a such a powerful realization to have, yet such a difficult dynamic to change. So I will give anyone who reads this blog the same advice I gave my friend (and remind myself of): take it day by day. If you slip and give someone your trust again and they abuse it, don't waste your time feeling guilty. It's counterproductive. Learn from it, work on yourself, and constantly remind yourself that you are person worthy of respect as well as loving, fulfilling and meaningful relationships (friendship or otherwise). Don't allow drama into your life through negative relationships, take control of your happiness.
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