A lot of my girlfriends have been coming to me lately with similar issues in their relationships, which in turn has made me reflect on my own prior relationships. That combined with the article I posted recently has resulted in some very introspective thought and helpful realizations.
What I have really come to realize is that women are often accused of "being crazy" or "overreacting" because men do not understand their emotional responses towards a seemingly singular moment/event. Lets say the women addresses an issue with her partner, one that is completely valid (purposefully hanging up on someone, interacting inappropriately with other women or just blatantly cheating, lying, etc). Now some of these crimes are more egregious than others, but some could be easily forgiven and forgotten, IF (the very large IF) their partner acknowledges the issue, apologizes for it, and then changes their behavior (this is also known as the appropriate, loving, and respectful response). However, more often than not, especially in young relationships, this is not what happens at all. The man often becomes defensive and turns it on the woman. They most likely know what they did was wrong but they don't want to admit it, they don't want to feel the guilt, and they don't want to take on the responsibility. It is so much easier to put it on the woman than to address their own issues. I mentioned the following quote in one of my last entries:
As I reflect on many of my past relationships, I know this was the case. But realizing this also makes me realize how women are accused of being crazy. We have our initial reaction to our partner's action, but then we have a secondary reaction to their response. If our partner is open to our concerns and is receptive to them and willing to discuss them, then more often than not the problem can be and is resolved. However, when they take the stance of being defensive or offensive, it takes an entirely different route. We not only have a reaction to the disrespect we were being treated with as well as the current disrespect we are facing but we may also be reminded of similar past offenses. We get that gut instinct that tells us they haven't really changed... the gut instinct that tells us their good behavior is only temporary.
Yet somehow we can be talked out of this feeling, we can be guilted or emotionally manipulated into believing that we are crazy, that maybe we did overreact... when in fact the reality is that we were responding to multiple negative behaviors and we weren't OVERreacting; we were just reacting. It was an accumulation of emotional responses. The man may not recognize this or just may not want to deal with it, but that doesn't make the female response any less valid.
I am not so ignorant as to believe women never minimize mens emotions or concerns, I am just saying that in general there is a subconsciously accepted value in society where women are accused of being crazy, emotional, insecure creatures and poor old men have to put up with them. I think it pigeon-holes women and diminishes them. But I also believes it creates and reinforces a horrible standard for emotional incompetence in men and lack of accountability.
What I have really come to realize is that women are often accused of "being crazy" or "overreacting" because men do not understand their emotional responses towards a seemingly singular moment/event. Lets say the women addresses an issue with her partner, one that is completely valid (purposefully hanging up on someone, interacting inappropriately with other women or just blatantly cheating, lying, etc). Now some of these crimes are more egregious than others, but some could be easily forgiven and forgotten, IF (the very large IF) their partner acknowledges the issue, apologizes for it, and then changes their behavior (this is also known as the appropriate, loving, and respectful response). However, more often than not, especially in young relationships, this is not what happens at all. The man often becomes defensive and turns it on the woman. They most likely know what they did was wrong but they don't want to admit it, they don't want to feel the guilt, and they don't want to take on the responsibility. It is so much easier to put it on the woman than to address their own issues. I mentioned the following quote in one of my last entries:
"When we are discouraged in our youth and early adulthood from expressing emotion, it causes many of us to remain steadfast in our refusal to express regret when we see someone in pain from our actions."
As I reflect on many of my past relationships, I know this was the case. But realizing this also makes me realize how women are accused of being crazy. We have our initial reaction to our partner's action, but then we have a secondary reaction to their response. If our partner is open to our concerns and is receptive to them and willing to discuss them, then more often than not the problem can be and is resolved. However, when they take the stance of being defensive or offensive, it takes an entirely different route. We not only have a reaction to the disrespect we were being treated with as well as the current disrespect we are facing but we may also be reminded of similar past offenses. We get that gut instinct that tells us they haven't really changed... the gut instinct that tells us their good behavior is only temporary.
Yet somehow we can be talked out of this feeling, we can be guilted or emotionally manipulated into believing that we are crazy, that maybe we did overreact... when in fact the reality is that we were responding to multiple negative behaviors and we weren't OVERreacting; we were just reacting. It was an accumulation of emotional responses. The man may not recognize this or just may not want to deal with it, but that doesn't make the female response any less valid.
I am not so ignorant as to believe women never minimize mens emotions or concerns, I am just saying that in general there is a subconsciously accepted value in society where women are accused of being crazy, emotional, insecure creatures and poor old men have to put up with them. I think it pigeon-holes women and diminishes them. But I also believes it creates and reinforces a horrible standard for emotional incompetence in men and lack of accountability.
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