Sojourner Center
I toured the Sojourner Center last night which is the nation's largest Domestic Violence shelter and happens to be located right here in Phoenix. I left the tour feeling very enthusiastic for the prospect of being able to volunteer there and hopefully making a difference. However I also left enraged.
Domestic Violence is an issue that people feel uncomfortable talking about. It and rape, which primarily effect women and children (for both domestic violence and rape the rate is 1 in 4), are of course taboo to talk about. Which amazes me. By making it taboo we are oppressing the people who endure this and we are creating an apathetic culture.
Common misnomer: all Domestic Violence is physical. Not true. Signs of Domestic Violence: If your partner...
People constantly ask "Well why don't they just leave!?" First and foremost, I would like to point out that question puts fault on the woman for her abuse. She is not to blame for her abuse. Her partner is and her partner is the one who should be held accountable. The woman did not cause her abuse. She did not ask for her abuse. She did not choose her abuse. She chose to love and trust someone. That is the ONLY thing she is guilty of. Now most people ask the question 'why didn't she leave' because they simultaneously say 'I would never stay.' And how do you know that? Have you been in an abusive relationship? Have you been in a situation where your partner has created an environment of total control over you? Have you been in an environment where you no longer think about your own future or life without this person but rather have been forced through mental/physical/emotion abuse/coercion, to believe that this is the life you have... to believe this so much that you are focused on getting through the day to day and doing whatever you can to possibly avoid the abuse rather than looking for ways to get away.
Your comment is based on assumptions. Based on assumptions you made because of privileges you have. If I were ever abused I know that I have a loving family who would be physically, emotionally, and financially supportive. I know that I have a college degree to fall back on. I know that I have a stepdad who would nearly kill the son of a bitch for ever laying a hand on me.
At the same time, I have also been in a situation where I stayed with someone who made me desperately unhappy. I stayed with someone who made me feel horrible about myself. Was he abusive? No, not at all, and I would never suggest that. But I am saying that I stayed in a situation I probably should've gotten out of because at the time I could not see past it. And I am willing to guess that MOST people have stayed in a relationship they did not want to be a part of longer than they expected. So how can you say you would leave in her situation? Especially when those women have been broken down on a daily basis; have been told and reinforced through actions that it's all the deserve, that they somehow earned this, and that no one else would ever love them. How dare you judge them.
No one WANTS to be in that situation. Furthermore, she did not choose violence. Her partner did. Leaving does not guarantee her safety. Many of the women are still being harassed by their partner. There is a woman currently living in the children who still has to see her partner on a regular basis because he has visitation rights. One of the last times she dropped of her child, her partner looked at her and in front of their daughter said "You know I could kill you at any time right?" She left. It didn't stop. She is not at fault. She is not to blame. And the fact that he is not held accountable for his actions is deplorable. The fact that he still has visitation rights is repulsive.
Of course many people will say, "well he is a good father, he never hurt the kids." WHAT!?!?!?!?! No, he is not a good father. He stopped being a good father the moment he abused the child's mother. He lost the privilege of being a father the moment he created an unsafe or hostile environment for anyone in the family. He is NOT a good father. How is it that our society still value his rights? Our society is reinforcing that it is ok to be abusive. Furthermore the punishments for being a violent partner are pitiful. Our society basically reinforces, if a stranger attacks you it's their fault. If someone close to you attacks you, it is in part your own. I call BULLSHIT.
Whether people feel comfortable admitting it or not the reality is most of these women are raped on a regular basis because they live with their abuser and are coerced into sex. Just because it is your partner does NOT mean it wasn't forced and isn't rape. Can you imagine repeatedly being violated by someone you once or still do love? What a betrayal. And yet in court it would be practically impossible to prove that the encounter is rape.
Women in these situations are traumatized. And our court systems as well as our society do little to help them. Thank heyzeus for the people who do care, who do participate, who do create and work in these domestic violence shelters and provide safe havens for these women. Thankfully some people choose to get involved; choose to make it their issue.
I am disgusted that I live in a society where these women not only have to fight for their lives while they are with their abusive partner, but that they have to continue to struggle in society after they leave. First and foremost, there is not enough funding to Domestic Violence shelters and so they are forced to turn women away. ARE YOU SERIOUS?!?! A women is doing everything right. She is calling the right places and doing the right thing to get away from her abuser and centers have to turn them away?! You might as well just kill the woman on the spot. Whether it means to or not, our society is communicating that they do not value that woman's life as well as her children's. Higher Education should be affordable to everyone. Healthcare should be free to everyone. And social services should be well funded. We should live in a society that values the life of every community member and wants to help them become high functioning members of society who can give back. People want the help, they need the help. And we are telling them that they are not a priority. That their life doesn't matter.
My mother befriended a woman at our church. She soon realized the woman was being physically abused by her husband and was also living in an environment of fear and domination. The woman had to iron her husbands socks for god sakes. She was treated like a servant, like property. The women lacked education and was a foreigner in the country. She thought she had no options, she thought this was just what her life was going to be and she just had to play by the rules to try to lesson the violence as much as possible. Over time, my mother helped the woman prepare to leave her husband. Well, she never got the opportunity. He found the divorce papers.
As she was preparing to take a bath, he attacked her; stabbing her over sixty times and also trying to drown her. On multiple occasions their young son came into the bedroom because he heard noises. The father came out of the bathroom, calm, cool and collected, tucked his son back into bed then returned to the bathroom where he continued to attack the boy's mother. The son had no idea. My mother's friend died that night.
She did everything right. She was leaving. And he just wouldn't let her. She did not choose violence. He forced it into her life.
I believe in society's ability to rise to the occasion. It has happened before and it will happen again. Not to mention there are countries around the world already seriously trying to tackle this problem. I just hope, as a whole, we start sooner rather than later.
Domestic Violence is an issue that people feel uncomfortable talking about. It and rape, which primarily effect women and children (for both domestic violence and rape the rate is 1 in 4), are of course taboo to talk about. Which amazes me. By making it taboo we are oppressing the people who endure this and we are creating an apathetic culture.
Common misnomer: all Domestic Violence is physical. Not true. Signs of Domestic Violence: If your partner...
- embarrasses you with bad names or puts you down
- looks at you or acts in ways that scare you
- controls what you do, who you see or talk to, where you go
- stops you from seeing/talking to friends or family
- takes your money or refuses to give you money
- tells you you're a bad parent or threatens to take away or harm your children
- acts like abuse is no big deal, it's your fault, or even denies doing it
- destroys your property or threatens to kill your pets
- intimidates you with guns, knives, or weapons
- shove, slap or hit you
- force you to drop charges
- threatens to commit suicide
- threatens to kill you
People constantly ask "Well why don't they just leave!?" First and foremost, I would like to point out that question puts fault on the woman for her abuse. She is not to blame for her abuse. Her partner is and her partner is the one who should be held accountable. The woman did not cause her abuse. She did not ask for her abuse. She did not choose her abuse. She chose to love and trust someone. That is the ONLY thing she is guilty of. Now most people ask the question 'why didn't she leave' because they simultaneously say 'I would never stay.' And how do you know that? Have you been in an abusive relationship? Have you been in a situation where your partner has created an environment of total control over you? Have you been in an environment where you no longer think about your own future or life without this person but rather have been forced through mental/physical/emotion abuse/coercion, to believe that this is the life you have... to believe this so much that you are focused on getting through the day to day and doing whatever you can to possibly avoid the abuse rather than looking for ways to get away.
Your comment is based on assumptions. Based on assumptions you made because of privileges you have. If I were ever abused I know that I have a loving family who would be physically, emotionally, and financially supportive. I know that I have a college degree to fall back on. I know that I have a stepdad who would nearly kill the son of a bitch for ever laying a hand on me.
At the same time, I have also been in a situation where I stayed with someone who made me desperately unhappy. I stayed with someone who made me feel horrible about myself. Was he abusive? No, not at all, and I would never suggest that. But I am saying that I stayed in a situation I probably should've gotten out of because at the time I could not see past it. And I am willing to guess that MOST people have stayed in a relationship they did not want to be a part of longer than they expected. So how can you say you would leave in her situation? Especially when those women have been broken down on a daily basis; have been told and reinforced through actions that it's all the deserve, that they somehow earned this, and that no one else would ever love them. How dare you judge them.
No one WANTS to be in that situation. Furthermore, she did not choose violence. Her partner did. Leaving does not guarantee her safety. Many of the women are still being harassed by their partner. There is a woman currently living in the children who still has to see her partner on a regular basis because he has visitation rights. One of the last times she dropped of her child, her partner looked at her and in front of their daughter said "You know I could kill you at any time right?" She left. It didn't stop. She is not at fault. She is not to blame. And the fact that he is not held accountable for his actions is deplorable. The fact that he still has visitation rights is repulsive.
Of course many people will say, "well he is a good father, he never hurt the kids." WHAT!?!?!?!?! No, he is not a good father. He stopped being a good father the moment he abused the child's mother. He lost the privilege of being a father the moment he created an unsafe or hostile environment for anyone in the family. He is NOT a good father. How is it that our society still value his rights? Our society is reinforcing that it is ok to be abusive. Furthermore the punishments for being a violent partner are pitiful. Our society basically reinforces, if a stranger attacks you it's their fault. If someone close to you attacks you, it is in part your own. I call BULLSHIT.
Whether people feel comfortable admitting it or not the reality is most of these women are raped on a regular basis because they live with their abuser and are coerced into sex. Just because it is your partner does NOT mean it wasn't forced and isn't rape. Can you imagine repeatedly being violated by someone you once or still do love? What a betrayal. And yet in court it would be practically impossible to prove that the encounter is rape.
Women in these situations are traumatized. And our court systems as well as our society do little to help them. Thank heyzeus for the people who do care, who do participate, who do create and work in these domestic violence shelters and provide safe havens for these women. Thankfully some people choose to get involved; choose to make it their issue.
I am disgusted that I live in a society where these women not only have to fight for their lives while they are with their abusive partner, but that they have to continue to struggle in society after they leave. First and foremost, there is not enough funding to Domestic Violence shelters and so they are forced to turn women away. ARE YOU SERIOUS?!?! A women is doing everything right. She is calling the right places and doing the right thing to get away from her abuser and centers have to turn them away?! You might as well just kill the woman on the spot. Whether it means to or not, our society is communicating that they do not value that woman's life as well as her children's. Higher Education should be affordable to everyone. Healthcare should be free to everyone. And social services should be well funded. We should live in a society that values the life of every community member and wants to help them become high functioning members of society who can give back. People want the help, they need the help. And we are telling them that they are not a priority. That their life doesn't matter.
My mother befriended a woman at our church. She soon realized the woman was being physically abused by her husband and was also living in an environment of fear and domination. The woman had to iron her husbands socks for god sakes. She was treated like a servant, like property. The women lacked education and was a foreigner in the country. She thought she had no options, she thought this was just what her life was going to be and she just had to play by the rules to try to lesson the violence as much as possible. Over time, my mother helped the woman prepare to leave her husband. Well, she never got the opportunity. He found the divorce papers.
As she was preparing to take a bath, he attacked her; stabbing her over sixty times and also trying to drown her. On multiple occasions their young son came into the bedroom because he heard noises. The father came out of the bathroom, calm, cool and collected, tucked his son back into bed then returned to the bathroom where he continued to attack the boy's mother. The son had no idea. My mother's friend died that night.
She did everything right. She was leaving. And he just wouldn't let her. She did not choose violence. He forced it into her life.
I believe in society's ability to rise to the occasion. It has happened before and it will happen again. Not to mention there are countries around the world already seriously trying to tackle this problem. I just hope, as a whole, we start sooner rather than later.
Comments
Post a Comment