I am planning to break my own heart.
things I won't even remotely miss about Arizona:
things that will break my heart to leave:
I thought this was going to be easy but now my heart is breaking every single day. The closer I get to leaving the more I can't bare it. I cry everyday now. Today I just sat there staring at Lil play with her mat. She looked up at me and smiled and I just instantly started crying. The same thing happened to night.
I am petrified that her emotional attachment will fade and that she will forget me. She isn't my child but she is my baby girl. And I just didn't really understand, until recently, how hard it would be to walk away. Surviving this will be my greatest accomplishment... if I am able to.
- horrifyingly obvious racism
- people who actually 'BOO' birth control (seriously? SERIOUSLY?!)
- constantly seeing obesity and teen pregnancy everywhere
- getting poop on me
- Lil peeing while I am in the process of changing her diaper
- having my hair violently ripped
- Republicans on crack
- youths being at my park
- feeling incredibly isolated
- waking up to a baby scream crying
- being hit in the face... regularly
- being vomited on
- having food put in my hair
- being broke all the time
- fundamentalist Christians everywhere
- constantly having a messy house
- the worst sun burns of my entire life
things that will break my heart to leave:
- the way Lil rests her head on my chest when she is finally giving into a nap
- how peaceful Lil looks when she falls asleep in my arms
- when I try to put Lil down in her crib and she cries because she just wants a little extra snuggle time
- Lil's smile
- Lil's perfectly magnificent laugh
- reading to Lil while she sits in my lap
- laying face to face on our sides making silly faces and noises
- seeing every real first Lil has ever had
- watching Lil learn
- watching Lil be curious
- getting Lil dressed each day
- the funny scrunchy-nose face she makes whenever she eats, especially anything new
- the new diva roll and back arch Lil keeps doing
- Lil's diva arm
- Lil giving me kisses all over
- Lil's gangsta lean in shopping carts
- Friday night wedding shows with Liz
- if we are being honest, every weeknight where we watch specific shows
- going out to eat with Liz
- joking with Liz
- awkwardly touching Liz's face to make her laugh
- Getting beautified with Liz
- venting to Liz
- going grocery shopping with Liz
- Liz barely finishing one glass of wine and me killing the rest of the bottle
- Liz offering me yogurt and berries for dessert... when she knows I am going to have a disgustingly large bowl of ice cream instead
I thought this was going to be easy but now my heart is breaking every single day. The closer I get to leaving the more I can't bare it. I cry everyday now. Today I just sat there staring at Lil play with her mat. She looked up at me and smiled and I just instantly started crying. The same thing happened to night.
I am petrified that her emotional attachment will fade and that she will forget me. She isn't my child but she is my baby girl. And I just didn't really understand, until recently, how hard it would be to walk away. Surviving this will be my greatest accomplishment... if I am able to.
Comments
Post a Comment