Encanto and Generational Trauma.

I find myself conflicted as of lately. I've been clinging to the idea of re-establishing a relationship with my father's family basically ever since the relationship was severed. 

I find what I struggle most with is the great debate between excuses versus reasons and whether either matter enough to redefine the past. I see my father's family as emotionally incompetent, limited to a handful of emotions rather than a broad spectrum. For this, I am able to understand that their grief was reflected in anger. That they often bonded over a common disliking. And that they often hurt people without even recognizing it / causing serious harm without taking responsibility.

I find it difficult to hate them like other members in my family because above all else, I kind of pity them. And I find it even more difficult to cut ties with them because of the guilt I feel. As my own immediate family becomes more open about their memories and experiences with my father, I feel less and less of need to connect with his family. More so, I don't see my father in them. To me, his family is nothing like him. I see him in my sisters, in my beautiful niece, and in myself. I have random but meaningful reminders of the life he loved and the love he shared. I enjoy the stories that people share with me about him. And I find that his family has little to offer me in my memories. More than that, my stepdad's family has welcomed us with open arms and shown me a different, maybe even greater, sense of love than my father's family was able to. 

I find that I hold on to my father's family because it seems, to me, that they have no other tie to him. I can't imagine not only losing a son but his entire family including children and grandchildren, in one fell swoop. As if they never even existed. 

People try to absolve my guilt by saying they didn't "lose" (implying this disconnect somehow happened passively) their relationships but rather destroyed them through their own behavior. And I recognize that to some extent this is true. The way they treated my mother was deplorable and at the end of the day my loyalty is to her. But my problem with this black and white version is that I find it difficult to blame them entirely when I am also cognizant of their emotional limits. I see that the way they were raised and who they became directly defines their interactions. They don't have the emotional range that my own family constantly strives for so their responses are more predictable. And I have seen little change in them throughout my life. Self-reflection is necessary for guilt and repentance. If you aren't attuned to it, then how would you know what to do. 

Having them in my life creates tension, but at the same time so does not having them in my life. Neither side of the family respects the boundaries I have established yet I understand where both parties are coming from. 

Part of me would love to live with the fantasy that I was originally allowed to grow up with. That they loved me and that their connection to me was meaningful. Part of me is definitely clinging to this. But the other parts of me are trying to wrap my head around this situation to absolve myself of it without feeling guilt. I am not sure this will ever be possible. Whether I like it or not, I feel a tie to them. 

I feel as though if I could truly understand my own motivation I would be more comfortable with whichever decision I so choose.