My sister and I both attended Western and seriously bonded during her last year of college. She went through a difficult breakup and having been through one a couple years prior, I knew what it felt like. This commonality in our life eventually made way for a tight knit relationship that we hadn't had since we were youngins'. In so many ways she had started to become my best friend. I looked forward to our random sleepovers or nights where she would make me dinner, basically anytime I could hang with my cool big sister. We were able to enjoy each other's company and be a release from each others' daily routine.
When she left for Europe I missed her everyday. I look forward to our Skype sessions and stalking her photos. She was on such an amazing journey and I just wanted to be with her. It touched my heart deeply when she posted a status about missing me and our sister time together. It felt so fulfilling to have such a strong relationship after having such bitterness and distance between us for so many years.
Then she came back.
I honestly don't know what happened, but it just felt like she hated me. Our relationship was withering quickly and I didn't know what to do. And then she said it. She told me that she was glad she had gone to Europe because she finally got to get away from me and my bullshit.
That was a dagger in my heart. Had I been so oblivious, so naive as to think we had been so close? Did I imagine the relationship we had come to build? Doubtful. And if Facebook would allow me to go back to that year, I could show the statuses we posted about each other... even the ones she posted while in Europe. I didn't imagine the relationship we had built but I definitely didn't understand what destroyed it. I still don't.
Enough time has passed now where we have a solid relationship as sisters. And most of the time I feel satisfied with where we are at and don't think about the past. But there are little moments that trigger the pain I felt during that time. It's one thing for someone to say they would act differently if they could go back to that moment, but it is entirely another to acknowledge the pain you caused someone and apologize for it. The latter has never happened. And to be honest, I'm not even certain she realizes how much she hurt me. I doubt she realizes how much I grieved over the ending of that bond between us or how betrayed I felt when she said that to me.
And for some reason I don't know if I ever will. I just can't bring myself to do it. There are only a handful of people I get this way with. Normally I am outspoken and fully comfortable asserting my feelings and establishing boundaries. But there are times when, and people with whom, I just can't bring myself to do it. I think part of it may be that I fear addressing the problem will only bring a greater rift, so I'd rather tame my feelings then tempt fate. But it's more than that.
All I know is that tonight I felt that pain surge. It was difficult to hear her talk about how she wanted to address another relationship. She talked about being willing to admit her wrongdoings and apologize to the other person. And it just hurt me, because while we may have a good relationship now, she has never acknowledged the way she treated me... the way she hurt me. She broke my heart.
When she left for Europe I missed her everyday. I look forward to our Skype sessions and stalking her photos. She was on such an amazing journey and I just wanted to be with her. It touched my heart deeply when she posted a status about missing me and our sister time together. It felt so fulfilling to have such a strong relationship after having such bitterness and distance between us for so many years.
Then she came back.
I honestly don't know what happened, but it just felt like she hated me. Our relationship was withering quickly and I didn't know what to do. And then she said it. She told me that she was glad she had gone to Europe because she finally got to get away from me and my bullshit.
That was a dagger in my heart. Had I been so oblivious, so naive as to think we had been so close? Did I imagine the relationship we had come to build? Doubtful. And if Facebook would allow me to go back to that year, I could show the statuses we posted about each other... even the ones she posted while in Europe. I didn't imagine the relationship we had built but I definitely didn't understand what destroyed it. I still don't.
Enough time has passed now where we have a solid relationship as sisters. And most of the time I feel satisfied with where we are at and don't think about the past. But there are little moments that trigger the pain I felt during that time. It's one thing for someone to say they would act differently if they could go back to that moment, but it is entirely another to acknowledge the pain you caused someone and apologize for it. The latter has never happened. And to be honest, I'm not even certain she realizes how much she hurt me. I doubt she realizes how much I grieved over the ending of that bond between us or how betrayed I felt when she said that to me.
And for some reason I don't know if I ever will. I just can't bring myself to do it. There are only a handful of people I get this way with. Normally I am outspoken and fully comfortable asserting my feelings and establishing boundaries. But there are times when, and people with whom, I just can't bring myself to do it. I think part of it may be that I fear addressing the problem will only bring a greater rift, so I'd rather tame my feelings then tempt fate. But it's more than that.
All I know is that tonight I felt that pain surge. It was difficult to hear her talk about how she wanted to address another relationship. She talked about being willing to admit her wrongdoings and apologize to the other person. And it just hurt me, because while we may have a good relationship now, she has never acknowledged the way she treated me... the way she hurt me. She broke my heart.
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