Survive? um...no. THRIVE

Yep, here is another note that is just too deep.

I have many addictions. Bread. Red Wine. But the most time consuming addiction is to tv and movies. I love watching what ‘could be” in someone else’s life. I like taking the journey with them. And I try to find myself in them.

I watched Dexter’s season finale last night followed by Charlie St. Cloud. And I watched Up and Inception the other day. None of these seem all that connected yet they all strike similar chords with me.

Dexter: his life changed at such a young age because he lost someone so significant to him. It created a darkness in him. Charlie St. Cloud:  he became stuck because he had such a gaping whole in his life. Inception: he became lost in himself because he lost the person he loved. Up:  He gave up on really living because he lost the person who made it worthwhile.

I get that they are all fiction. And my ex used to make fun of me for getting so emotional during movies. But the reality is, they strike a chord and touch a wound that will always be there for me.

I miss my dad so much. I watch these shows and movies and can’t help but let thoughts of him trickle into my mind. I look in the mirror and I see his eyes and I see his lips. But at the same time, when I look in pictures I barely remember him. Can you understand what it is like to look at a picture and have to go through every feature trying to grab a memory or anything to make that person seem real?

I could try to live in the “what if?” What if he never got ALS? What if he never died? What if we had never moved?

But I can’t control the ‘what if’.

I watch these movies and my heart breaks a little every time... but the reality is, despite what has occurred and the pain I have experienced, I lead a blessed life.

Thank you Mom, for getting me through everything that has ever happened to me. Thank you for always loving me, rescuing me, and giving me perspective. Thank you sisters, for always having faith in me, and wanting more for me, and protecting me. Thank you Stad, for filling the gaping hole that would have been. Thank you for being so loving and understanding. Thank you for being patient with me. Thank you to my true friends who get me, love me, and forgive me.

Am I mess sometimes? For sure. Do I flip back and forth on what I want? Hell yes. Do I love people who don't love me back? Definitely. But such is life. I know that I am often hard on those that I love. I expect a lot from people because I always see the best in them. Sometimes I am crazy, hard to handle, and I but in where I shouldn’t. Sometimes I am overly emotional. But that is me. I feel everything to the fullest. So be it a movie or real life? I feel it.

Life is what it is. It is the greatest conundrum. And while sometimes my spirit may be broken, it won’t be for long. I am strong. I am resilient. I am filled with love.