"HOLD UP!! We ain't that close"
I always find it entertaining when people who I've barely spent any time with try to tell me who I am. I have met thousands of people. I have even spent a significant amount of time with each of them. Could they be considered my friends? In a way. But if I have learned anything in the past four years its the difference between a true friend and a friend of convenience. Friends of convenience, you have barely scratched my surface. You think that because you might have read this blog, or some of my notes on facebook, or heard things about me, or have spent some condensed amount of time with me that you actually know me? Seriously?
I am a complicated person with many layers. There are MAYBE ten people in my entire life who know me. Do you realize that anyone can read this blog? Do you realize that almost everyone knows the details of my life story? Do you realize that I will talk music or politics or whatever with just about anyone?
Why is it that people repeatedly think that because I have talked to them for some amount of time and they know the slightest detail about my life that they actually know me? It is such a common theme in my life. I do not owe you anything. You can pass whatever judgment you want but it doesn't mean I care. You don't know me any better than some random person I pass at the grocery store. The only difference is that you place value on the feelings you have about me. You think you matter somehow to my life.
I am sorry but in the four years I have been at college I have faced many trials and tribulations in many different relationships. Many friendships could not withstand the tests of time and fell by the wayside. I realized that people did not meet my perceptions and expectations of them and I in return. I found who I wanted to be and the life I wanted to live. I recognized my priorities. And with that I realized who my true friends were. I still can recognize the people in my life who are there for a reason, for a season, or for a lifetime. And I can also recognize people who are just going to pass through and never mean anything other than what they mean in that exact moment.
That is why so few situations phase me anymore. I may occasionally slip into my old patterns of defending myself but then I have that moment where I realize you aren't worth it. In ten, twenty, thirty years I won't even remember you. Maybe that is a harsh reality but it is also part of accepting that I don't mean much to others as well. And what is so bad about that? Why is it that in high school I felt like I had to be everything to everyone.? My goal was essentially failure. You can't please everyone. You can't be everything that everyone else wants without giving up who you want to or being completely fake. I'm not willing to do or be either of those things. My goal now is to continue to nourish the relationships with the people whom I love and am loved by the most. They are my core and they have ascended beyond friendship into family.
I allowed a lot of people to effect me this quarter. I allowed myself to be hurt by people. But it is because I forgot the essential lesson that most people in my life and around me are not my true friends, they are not my forevers. They are friends of convenience. Our common interest is living in Bellingham. They are great friendships for the moment; they pass the time and I genuinely enjoy their company... most of the time. But the reality is that they don't know me. I haven't let them know me and I never will. They have peeled back one, two, maybe three layers at best. But that means they haven't even gotten to the good stuff. They are still swimming on the shallow end. And soon enough they or I will just walk away. And I won't be missing anything. I find comfort in this whenever those people try to put me in a box or tell me what or who I am.
So when those people attack me I just have to look at them and recognize that what they are conveying is that I meant more to them then they ever meant to me. And with that recognition, I need to be patient with them and rather than respond to their fire, I need to just ignore them. Part of being mature is recognizing this, the other part is living it. I am working on both.
Thank you to my true friends who constantly remind me who I am, who I want to be.
Strength and fortitude.
I am a complicated person with many layers. There are MAYBE ten people in my entire life who know me. Do you realize that anyone can read this blog? Do you realize that almost everyone knows the details of my life story? Do you realize that I will talk music or politics or whatever with just about anyone?
Why is it that people repeatedly think that because I have talked to them for some amount of time and they know the slightest detail about my life that they actually know me? It is such a common theme in my life. I do not owe you anything. You can pass whatever judgment you want but it doesn't mean I care. You don't know me any better than some random person I pass at the grocery store. The only difference is that you place value on the feelings you have about me. You think you matter somehow to my life.
I am sorry but in the four years I have been at college I have faced many trials and tribulations in many different relationships. Many friendships could not withstand the tests of time and fell by the wayside. I realized that people did not meet my perceptions and expectations of them and I in return. I found who I wanted to be and the life I wanted to live. I recognized my priorities. And with that I realized who my true friends were. I still can recognize the people in my life who are there for a reason, for a season, or for a lifetime. And I can also recognize people who are just going to pass through and never mean anything other than what they mean in that exact moment.
That is why so few situations phase me anymore. I may occasionally slip into my old patterns of defending myself but then I have that moment where I realize you aren't worth it. In ten, twenty, thirty years I won't even remember you. Maybe that is a harsh reality but it is also part of accepting that I don't mean much to others as well. And what is so bad about that? Why is it that in high school I felt like I had to be everything to everyone.? My goal was essentially failure. You can't please everyone. You can't be everything that everyone else wants without giving up who you want to or being completely fake. I'm not willing to do or be either of those things. My goal now is to continue to nourish the relationships with the people whom I love and am loved by the most. They are my core and they have ascended beyond friendship into family.
I allowed a lot of people to effect me this quarter. I allowed myself to be hurt by people. But it is because I forgot the essential lesson that most people in my life and around me are not my true friends, they are not my forevers. They are friends of convenience. Our common interest is living in Bellingham. They are great friendships for the moment; they pass the time and I genuinely enjoy their company... most of the time. But the reality is that they don't know me. I haven't let them know me and I never will. They have peeled back one, two, maybe three layers at best. But that means they haven't even gotten to the good stuff. They are still swimming on the shallow end. And soon enough they or I will just walk away. And I won't be missing anything. I find comfort in this whenever those people try to put me in a box or tell me what or who I am.
So when those people attack me I just have to look at them and recognize that what they are conveying is that I meant more to them then they ever meant to me. And with that recognition, I need to be patient with them and rather than respond to their fire, I need to just ignore them. Part of being mature is recognizing this, the other part is living it. I am working on both.
Thank you to my true friends who constantly remind me who I am, who I want to be.
Strength and fortitude.
Comments
Post a Comment